Addiction in young people (especially young women) makes a lot of sense to me. I was addicted to sex and love in my teens and early twenties. In hindsight, it wasn’t random or unlucky, but the by-product of both my internal and external environment.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling powerless. Then almost overnight, my body started changing, and suddenly, people other than my parents wanted something from me. They were ogling, commenting and generally being weird. Despite the discomfort, I realised, I finally had something to offer; something I could exchange for what I needed. When you’re emotionally starving and aren’t taught to value your gifts, attention for anything feels life changing. Of course I was going to take that deal every day of the week.
What is sex and love addiction?
For me, it was using the positive feelings associated with love, to escape. Like a game of bingo, I chased experiences that me feel secure, protected, wanted and valuable. Instead of rocking up to a dealer’s house, I used what I knew about how people (mostly boys) operated and acted in a way that was most likely to get their approval. When it came to sex, it was more physical. The rhythmic rocking, pressing and vocalizing, at least for a little while, changed my brain chemistry; it gave me a break from the conflict in my head and a new perspective on life and myself. It also helped relieve the pressure I felt from life and gave me a sense of control.
What’s wrong with wanting sex and love? We need them to survive as a species.
The issue isn't the experience, it's the lengths you'll go, and what it costs you, to get it. While you’re obsessing over your next fix, you’re not:
Achieving your goals
Getting to know the real you
Building authentic, nurturing and mutually beneficial relationships
When you're reliant on someone to make you feel a certain way, you often overlook the red (and green) flags in favor of who you want them to be. Rather than showing up authentically, you have to adopt roles. It becomes a ritual; a routine. I say this, and you say that. I do this and you do that. There’s no room for deviations from the script and anything other than the response you were looking for, feels like a betrayal.
After a while, the dopamine wears off, so the stakes have to get higher. You don’t just have to like all my photos, you have to date me. You don’t just have to date me, you have to promise to stay with me forever and have kids with me. Eventually, the imbalance creates a tension between reality and fantasy that’s impossible to ignore and we hit “rock bottom”.
Here’s what helped me:
Women’s circles, yoga, embodiment, primal screaming and breathwork - places to move my body, outwork energy and release tension.
Spirituality and Self-love - A connection with something greater and relationship with Self built on unconditional approval.
Re-humanizing myself and the people in my life.
Having a vision - The idea that my story could one day inspire others to help themselves, moved me to focus on healing, rather than staying on the merry go round of self-destruction.
Focusing on my natural gifts and other achievements I could share with pride (like writing and coaching).
Self-knowledge - I was running for a reason. When I stopped, there were memories, emotions, questions and thoughts that were haunting me. I had no healthy defense against the demons that came knocking. Having practices, tools and support to navigate the shadow aspects of myself and the world means I don’t have to rely as heavily on people, alcohol, caffeine and peak experiences to help me calm the chaos in my mind.
Working with my sensitivity. In my experience, it’s the sensitive people and places within us, that are affected most deeply by the world and want to tap out. But that sensitivity is invaluable. It helps me love deeply, connect with other realms and see things others can’t. We need to it stay connected to ourselves, each other and what’s important in life.
Creative outlets - When stifled, creative energy is destructive. When cultivated, it’s a powerful force. Addiction promises temporary relief from the pressure of the challenges we’re facing, but what’s possible when we believe in ourselves and rise to the occasion? What can we create, in our lives and the world?
