Hijacked: How I accidentally joined a cult, and (almost) started my own
In 2019, I was in a period of fear, feeling completely ill-equipped to support myself financially and bring my vision to life. I also had a chip on my shoulder — I’m 28. I’ve been in business almost eight years. Why aren’t I a millionaire?
I came across a teacher online. Her work was undoubtedly mesmerizing. She had flashy branding and her posts were like a slap in the face and a rock in the gut. She taught a practice called “shadow alchemy” which was basically doing the thing that terrified you most in the world so you could retrieve your energy from where it was locked in fear. She told stories of doing crazy things (like posting a photo of her butt in a Facebook group) and getting immediate results (like a 10k sale, or an interview opportunity). She called it “making magic on demand.” After struggling with uncertainty for so long, the idea that there was an incontrovertible truth, something exact I could rely on and predict, was so exciting.
Her teachings were extreme, but I liked that. It looked like she was doing what so few people have the courage to do. I saw people living lackluster lives, and it made sense to me if I wanted a completely different experience, I’d have to take a completely different approach. I thought I had to be extreme, to match the bigness of my vision.
Overlooking warnings from others who'd dealt with her (which she paraded on social media as evidence of her influence), in exchange for the radical shake up she promised, I went deeper into her vortex, shoving myself across the line with questions like, “Do you want to be successful in business or not? Do the thing you’re afraid of, right? Aren’t you willing to do whatever it takes? Go big or go home.”
At first, it was great. I did my “homework” i.e. followed fear and forced myself to do and say the most excruciatingly uncomfortable thing. I realised I could override my mind and bodies signals, do whatever I wanted, and survive. I called friends and family members fat, shaved my head, walked into people’s home with unsolicited advice and kicked people out of my containers who’d been with me for years because they weren’t “showing up” in the way I thought they should. At one point, I stood outside a local shopping center with a speaker and a box of coins and danced.
I was channeling insights about Life, God and the nature of existence that floored me and helped me make sense of things I’d been struggling with. I felt like I was hitting this mark I'd always hovered around but had never fully been able to access. I later heard people in Scientology talk about this euphoric feeling of "Going Clear". The chains came off and I felt like I was flying.
Others, I felt my brain scramble, like putting dynamite in the middle of dry earth and feeling it explode into particles of dust.
At one point, her work started making less sense. It reminded me of something I read later about people getting too high on Everest and hallucinating. But instead of tapping out, I kept telling myself I “just didn’t understand it yet.”
After realizing I was no closer to my goals, having a consistent income from my business and moving
In hindsight, she was drunk on power. Behind the scenes, I found out later, there were power struggles and unpaid staff.
It was a bit of mindfuck coming out of this season. I can’t believe we have to protect ourselves from virtual cults as well as physical ones, buttttt I love that there’s more awareness and education around the dangers of high-control environments.
The real failure for me wasn't the amount of money or time I invested, but the way I treated myself, and other people. As much as I experienced breakthrough, I hate that I pushed myself so hard.
A few learnings…
Watch out for psychological brutality disguised as “necessary for your highest growth”. Preaching extreme personal responsibility is convenient when you're pushing something radical (if someone is telling you everything is your fault, you’ll most likely avoid calling out their bad behavior in favor of the “learning opportunity” in it for you).
Ground yourself in reality. Value your own wisdom and lived experience rather than forfeiting what you know in the face of someone who appears more other-worldly. There truly is NO hierarchy when it comes to human beings, especially online. Just because you’re not manifesting 20k clients on demand doesn’t mean you’re not courageous or magical.
Popularity isn't the best barometer of truth.
Get to know the human, not the brand. See people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
It’s okay so say no to things you don’t feel ready for. You’re not missing out.
Nothing substitutes for steady, consistent movement towards a goal over time. This particular side quest didn’t look or feel like escapism, but it was, in a way. I wanted a short-cut.
Since deleting this woman off social media and taking myself out of her containers, I’ve felt saner. Spending time with family and reconnecting with neighbors has helped. I no longer push myself to “get past” fear and thresholds. (We’re God, and human. That’s not a design flaw or a liability; it’s a valid part of this experience).
