The journey so far…
Ten years ago, I started a blog called The Grateful Goddess. I was twenty-one and ensnared in the trap of a sex and love addiction. Looking back, it makes sense. I grew up in a home where it wasn't okay for me to be my full self. I struggled against cultural conditioning that said I had to be something else to fit in.
When I was fifteen I was diagnosed with depression. I started using sex and relationships to escape the war inside my head. I’d wake up with a pit of dread in my stomach almost every morning. I wanted to leave the planet. I gratduated high school in a blur of sneaking out … struggling under the weight of expectations I placed on myself and … I studied journalism and political science at uni, bingeing and purging, partying four nights a week and struggling to get out of bed in the morning.
I hated my body and couldn’t walk past a mirror without cringing.
I didn’t want to be on the planet anymore.
In spite of all the suffering, I knew I had something in me worth fighting for. I knew I had magic to offer the world, but compounding fear and self-doubt created a self-destructive cycle that corroded my will to live.
Ever since I was little, I’ve had big dreams. I love resolving internal conflicts and putting my own - and other peoples - ideas into action. I kept a journal and wrote a self-help book called “A Guide to a Healthy and Successful Life for Women” when I was eight. I made up plays and musicals and directed them with my friends.
The greatest wisdom for you is your own
There’ve been plenty more pivotal moments, giving me the strength to keep going. Some of the hardest personal challenges I've faced are self-doubt, inadequacy and a brutal - mean - inner critic. When I was twenty five, I started experiencing bipolar. Thankfully, something MASSIVE had woken up in me and refused to go back to sleep. I've been in and out of churches, temples and cults, gone deep with healers, therapists, mentors and clairvoyants. I've practiced tantra, somatic therapy, done inner-child work, NLP, talk therapy, practiced yoga, breathwork, shadow work, shamanic healing… all as a means to satiate the curiosity I had about how to thrive. There were times I thought the treasure I was searching for didn't exist. Or if it did, I was surely never going to find it. Thankfully, that proved to be the furthest thing from the truth. Not only am I the treasure I was looking for, I also get to spend the rest of my life with it. In relationship. Making magic, with my Self.
I separated my worth from my achievements, dug up secrets that were holding me hostage, came to grips with my sensitivity and actually experienced my own wholeness rather than just realising it intellectually. I wove a crown and throne for myself out of words. Putting my work - including this blog - into the world is about more than just self-expression and service for me. It's a journey of self-actualization.
What if “making it” is being able to look at your life and go, “Yeah, I made that.”
In 2016, I started compiling memories, blog posts and journal entries into a memoir that would take more than eight years to finish. Looking back over all I’d been through it became really clear to me I’d created all the circumstances of my life. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I was making it all up - quite literally - as I went along.
My life doesn't look like I thought it would a decade ago. The journey has been more internal than external, meaningful than grandiose. I'm not addicted to suffering anymore. I've re-awakened my love of sharing poetry. I started singing again. I can be pretty fully where I am, without judgement. A lot of the ideas I was running from have been birthed, others are brewing, living and growing inside me, ready to come through when I decide.
Through it all, I’ve committed to keep turning toward myself, rather than away.
Remembered lifetimes on other planets and in other galaxies.
I’m here to help guide you home to your Self.
I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but the Universe CAN be a WONDERFUL place.
Although at times it's felt like I've been completely abandoned, I now see the lowest points of were pointing me to the place’s trauma had prevented me from accessing my Self in the present. I might not always love the moment I’m in, but I get that it’s part of a broader experience.
This virtual Home has been a long time in the making. I’ve been envisioning this for about a decade. To say I'm glad you're here - it's here - is an understatement. God damn it feels good to let it all OUTTTTTT.
In the next fifteen years, my vision is to build a creative portal for women just like you who want to regulate … it’s called Mad House. publish books and … Whatever meaning there is in life, I’m certain we create it. I love what I've been able to create over the last thirty-one years, and I'm excited to see what happens next.
One morning, after another weekend in bed watching The Bachelor, I had a revelation. If I kept going down this path, all the untapped potential I wasn’t using would keep wreaking havoc on my life. I loved the power I felt within me to change the world, more than I wa afraid of unleashing it. I made a choice to bring forth the ideas and creative energy in me and began the long, often arduous, exhilarating and fascinating journey Home, to my true Self (it’s still going). I quit my journalism internship and used all the money I’d saved to enrol in an online business course. Less than a year alter, I'd self-published an eBook, was invited to speak in colleges and … had signed up to become a life coach.
