After struggling through domestic violence, sex addiction and an unplanned pregnancy in her teens, Jae met a woman in a nightclub whose invitation changed everything.
One of the gifts reckoning with my own mortality gives me
is the realisation I can choose to keep living
nothing is forcing me
but living, isn’t just not dying
Will her longing to unleash herself be greater than her fear of what will happen when she does or will her dreams die with her, casualties of an irreconcilable inner conflict?
A heart-breaking, hopeful and shockingly honest memoir, Holy F*ck is a mirror for those ready to own the chaos they create, a tribute to the paths we’re all driven down out of pain and testament to the transformative power of faith.
This book deals with mature themes, and is recommended for readers 15yrs and older.
The story behind the story
When I was little, I dreamed of a love that was unconditional; a love that didn’t require me to be or act a certain way. But all I saw in the world was limited love, a love that was anxiously attached and insecure.
Eventually, the pain of the disconnection I felt grew too much, and I shut down. By fifteen, I was seeing a psychologist for depression and using sex and relationships to escape the war inside my head. It was easier to escape reality than accept a future I thought looked bleak.
At seventeen, in a physically and emotionally tumultuous relationship – I fell pregnant. I got myself out, but the pain that led me there still lingered.
I couldn’t shake the feeling I didn’t want to be on the planet.
At twenty-two, while getting a degree I chose to please my parents, I was getting blackout drunk three nights a week and sleeping with a new person almost every night.
I was a revolutionary woman, in a wild revolt against herself.
One morning, after yet another week travelling the well-worn path of self-destruction, I made a choice. I knew I had truly valuable gifts within me and dreams that – if I kept going like this – I’d never get to experience.
My longing to express the magic I knew myself to be, was finally greater than my terror of what would happen when I did.
Not long after, in the middle of a nightclub, I met a woman who invited me to her church. In the face of fear and a racing mind, I went along.
What I experienced that night, and the journey of awakening and recovery it inspired, completely changed my life.
Part memoir, part call-to-action for the next generation of leaders, Holy F*ck is a personal recount of the transforming effect of Divine grace, an exploration of creativity and self-expression, and an ode to the eternal longing to know ourselves as who we really are.
