The Sanest One Here
“The first time I was diagnosed insane, I had something to say, and I’ve looked back at the things I had to say, and I don’t think any of its insane. It’s a very damaging thing not being able to trust your own perspective. When you can’t do that, it really fucks you up.” Adam Gentry, Survivor
I’ve written about how this time last year I was in the midst of a psychological crisis. Without counting chickens, it’s a pretty miraculous thing to be where I am today, unmedicated and relatively well, a year after a hospital admission for a manic episode. As much as what happened last year obliterated my ideas about what I can control, I’m also beginning to see my recovery isn’t an accident and there are valuable lessons in it that others before me have discovered and hopefully others after me will as well.
“What if a mental health crisis was viewed as a potential growth experience instead of a disease with no cure?” Phil Borges, ‘CrazyWise’ Filmmaker
In some Eastern cultures, psychological crisis is a pre-curser to spiritual awakening. The breakdown of the individual is a sign blessing is coming to the community. Children who hear voices, see visions and are extra sensitive, are seen as having great potential and are trained to be healers and shamans. In my experience, this approach holds great wisdom.
Two of my closest friends have also spent time in acute mental health care. They’re two of the most creative, articulate, compassionate and emotionally intelligent people I know. Their gifts, skills and insight are unique, other-worldly and essential. One draws in a way that can take my breath away and the other can hold space better than any therapist I’ve ever had. Both are deeply connected to a realm beyond the physical and have a spiritual understanding of life that goes well beyond the norm.
I’m not advocating for a complete swing away from diagnoses and medication. Understanding the patterns of my OCD and bipolar diagnoses has helped. Knowing bipolar is about swinging between extremes has shown me how important balance is. Understanding the brains attempts to achieve relief from uncertainty through OCD compulsions, has shown me I need to take extra care to create a sense of internal safety for myself.
But what if diagnoses came with celebrations as well as warning labels? You have OCD? You’re probably really good at noticing details. Bipolar? Did you know that’s been linked to higher creativity?
I’ve said it before, but I like to think of those of us with sensitive souls as part of humanity’s early warning system, like cancer that shows up on the scan. Everyone is feeling what we are, some just less intensely. Through these individual crises, we’re all being gifted an opportunity to see what’s not working, and change course.
It’s insane to say someone undone by the state of the world is disconnected from reality, when often it’s a deep connection with what’s actually going on that leads people to break down. There was so much more to my experience than a shift in brain chemistry. Underneath the swinging moods, looping thoughts and compulsive behavior, I had genuine questions and concerns about my culture and community. In hospital it struck me: in the same way the person who knows they’re captured is closer to being free, what if those of us that have gone “out of our minds” are actually the sanest of us all? Although I’m still able to connect with a state of “All is Well,” we also live in a psychotic culture.
Every day, we saw at the branch we’re sitting on, using plastics that are killing us and our planet. Multi-million-dollar mansions sit empty in the 5k radius around my house, while 10mins up the road is one of the top 20 hotspots for youth homelessness. In Australia, a woman is killed every week by a current or former partner. Indigenous Australians represent 36% of the prison population despite making up only 3% of the national one. Toxic chemicals are being sprayed from the sky and on our food. People are uncommonly kind to your face and try to save you from eternal damnation behind your back. Most people are addicted to technology, and hardly anyone is talking about it — just hooking toddlers up to screens, like little IVs. All this is happening in plain sight, every single day, and we have the audacity to institutionalize those who dare to (or can’t help but) internalize the insanity and are undone by it.
Like the child in Emperor’s New Clothes, I hope pointing out this stuff restores clarity, relief and sanity. I know it does for me. Pretending everything’s fine is even more maddening.
“In the shamanic traditions, there are maps and compasses you can use to guide you through your dark night of the Soul. You’re encouraged to explore the depths of the psyche with all the despair and suffering, and to not get stuck there — to use that as a point of initiation to open you up to lucidity and a sense of personal destiny.” Alberto Villoldo, PhD
In the absence of a leader to shepherd me through this experience, I’ve found guidance in other places… My elders are women in my community and online who are becoming coaches and counsellors, rewilding by exploring natural medicine and alternative healing modalities. I’ll admit that it’s a little more complicated than visiting a woman in my village. I’ve had to navigate my fair share of charlatans, and some have done more harm than good, but with the help of friends, family, psychologists, other artists and strangers on the internet, I’m finding my way.
“Had (Adam) had the same experience in an Eastern culture, where there’s mentors and Shamans, he might have been given a whole other framework, he might have been told he was gifted with sight, but that sight needs to be employed and deployed within a certain tradition, where there’s teaching and guidance, because it’s too much for the individual to handle. In the Western world, there’s no framework for that.” Gabor Matè
It feels like a lot of pressure to say all I want to say about this topic in one post, so I’ll come back. For now, I’ll leave it with this: I don’t think crises are necessary to produce wisdom. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone and I hope sharing my experience shortens your learning curve and alleviates suffering.
As well as clearer sight, my last crisis gave me invaluable information about what I need, and how bad things can get if I don’t honor that.
If I could say anything to myself a year ago, I’d say… You’re not insane, you’re doing great. I know it’s hell, but you’re awakening a new level of sight. There’s deep meaning in this. Meditate daily. Get in nature. Watch your stress levels. Prioritize your Soul work; contribute to solving challenges that break your heart and make you feel crazy. Re-organize your life around nourishment.
Today, I operate at a much slower pace. I have rituals and a sacred space that create a sense of stability. I prioritize connection, a lot more than I was, and I’m building skills like self-advocacy and assertive communication. I’ve also overhauled my diet (Which I don’t think I would have been motivated to do, if things hadn’t gotten as bad as they did).
Foundational in my recovery (and feel free to use this for your own) has been self-compassion that stems from the belief, “I am enough. There’s nothing wrong with me. I deserve the support I need to thrive.”
