After Almost a Decade, My Memoir is Out

24 Jan

After almost ten years of work, my memoir, Holy F*ck, is out.

How do I feel?

Phwoar. Honestly? I’m working on maintaining balance. I’ve been exploring the enneagram the last six months and the pathway for the 4 (my type) is from envy to equanimity.

To me, equanimity means balancing out the emotional highs and lows.

This experience has the potential to be pretty intense, so I’m taking it slow. If I notice myself wanting to “amp up” a particular feeling (like chasing an orgasm), I let it go. If I hear my thoughts turn toward a bottomless pit of despair, I bring my attention back to what’s happening in front of me. It’s a constant dance. Sometimes, it feels like I’m travelling that road from my head to my heart every five minutes.

The terror of losing people because of ruffled feathers has old defense mechanisms cropping up. In the past, I worked myself to exhaustion and let perfectionism run the show, trying to mitigate the fallout of sharing my work with the world with over-working.

It’s worth saying (I hope) all this, getting to this place, has taken over three decades. I’ve worked with coaches, therapists and healers, and read books, blogs and listened to podcasts. I’ve journaled til’ my fingers ached. It’s a process.

I’m excited to see what I learn next. Writing was enlightening, and I know sharing will be to.

Will I uncover a deeper motive for starting this book in the first place? Will I loosen my attachment to significance even more?

I hope so.

I’m really looking forward to seeing how this book impacts your life. There were so many moments I wondered if I’d ever let this book see the light of day… and one of the things that kept me going is the hope that, on the other side, someone’s suffering would be relieved, their will to live rekindled and a massive shift in their self-perception would occur.

Here’s to a whole sea of flames ignited, so together, we can warm and illuminate the world.