After Almost a Decade, My Memoir is Out

24 Jan

After almost ten years of work, my memoir, Holy F*ck, is out.

How do I feel?

Phwoar. Honestly? I’m working on being balanced. I’ve been exploring the enneagram the last six months and the pathway for the 4 is from envy to equanimity. To me, equanimity means balancing out the emotional highs and lows.

If I notice myself wanting to “amp up” a particular feeling (like chasing an orgasm), I let it go. If I hear my thoughts turn toward the bottomless pit of despair, I bring my attention back to what’s happening in front of me.

It’s a constant dance. Sometimes, I’m travelling that road from my head to my heart every five minutes.

Creating the web of illusion over my mind (according to the enneagram) is the fear that I’ll re-live the pain I felt losing a close connection as a child. I think that’s why I’ve been working myself to exhaustion and letting perfectionism run my show; I’ve been trying to mitigate the fallout of sharing my work with the world. The terror of losing people because of ruffled feathers has defense mechanisms cropping up.

It’s worth saying (I hope) all this has taken over three decades to figure out. I’ve worked with coaches, therapists and practitioners, read books and blogs and listened to podcasts. I’ve journaled til’ my fingers ached. It’s a process.

I’m excited to see what I learn next. Writing was enlightening, and I know sharing will be to.

Will I uncover a deeper motive for starting this book in the first place? Will I loosen my attachment to feeling significant even further?

I hope so.

I am really looking forward to seeing how this book impacts your life. There were so many moments when I wondered if I’d ever let this book see the light of day… and one of the things that kept me going is the hope that, on the other side, someone’s suffering would be relieved, their will to live rekindled and a massive shift in their self-perception would occur.

I had a tarot reading a few weeks ago that said, “you don’t rescue people, you ignite them.”

Here’s to a whole sea of flames being ignited, so together, we can warm and illuminate the world.