You are Enough. Dodging the one, two punch of Inadequacy and Envy.

Inadequacy and envy are a dangerous combination: they corrode your self-trust by making you do things you’re not ready for. They coax you to show things that are too precious and fragile to be seen in the light of day. They rob your faith in Life through their insistence that you can (and have to) control everything. They make you devalue what you have and are and idolize what you’re not. They burn away the natural seasons of life, death and rebirth and replace it with a counterfeit chaotic cycle that’s entirely governed by the human need to avoid pain and seek pleasure. They keep you spinning in avoidance and a quest for shiny objects, while missing your own heart, and the heart of the matter, entirely.

It’s hard to spot them when they’re all tangled up, so let’s address them one by one.

Part One - Inadequacy

I live life on my tip toes
always stretching for something

everything I’ve already accumulated
is relegated to the back corner of my psyche
I make bibles out of every book I read
and sages out of every human I meet
new paths aren't an option
they're a necessity

there’s no room for imperfection, or "good enough"
it feels like God is giving all my life experiences to me
with a pitiful, condescending look, like,
"Thought you could use these.”

Life is weird when you feel inadequate. No matter how good where you are and what you’re doing is, you always want to be elsewhere, doing something else. Instead of being able to filter content and experiences through reason and knowing, everything is a gauntlet; a challenge laid out by the Creator. 

Being caught in inadequacy is forgetting you’re a gift to the world, and running back to the shops continually, wracking up debt to buy more things you don’t need.

For me, inadequacy has manifested as self-surveillance, second-guessing and psychic hoarding. At certain stages of writing HF, you’d think I was doing brain surgery. I’d pour over every word, obsessing over commas and stanzas and experiencing genuine anxiety spikes when I thought pieces weren’t where I left them. 

During my twenties, there was a little peace, and a lot of striving. Rather than taking time to find the gold in the gifts and life experiences I already had, I kept seeking. Three thousand notes on my phone and hundreds of pages of docs later… I felt creatively constipated, racking up work I never put out.  

On one hand, inadequacy is motivating; learning new skills and exploring life beyond your comfort zone is great. I’ve followed my share of calls to adventure and I have a plethora of skills, stories, lessons and lived experience. I wouldn’t have achieved as much if I wasn’t motivated by the desire to prove myself and if I hadn’t trusted the niggle that said, “there must be more than this” out of addiction, maybe I wouldn’t be here. 

AND, there’s a limit.

We’ll get to the discernment but first let's address envy. 

Part two - Envy

In the straight jacket my mind makes
I stop trying to wriggle out and learn to accept the things
I’ve so readily pushed away

 when I shake and find the doors to the cage 
are bolted shut
I stop wasting all my energy

 I lean my back against the bars
slide on my butt
and stay

When I’m trapped in envy, my worldview is marred by the bars of an inner prison. Shame and fear keep me from working in my own garden and the more energy I expend comparing myself to others, the less I have to tend to myself. The grass on the other side gets greener while mine dies from malnourishment.

I’ve been particularly envious of a few people. Kristen Stewart… Jennifer Lawrence… I remember feeling sick learning about Anna Kendrick’s early career, lamenting the fact I’d never be as successful. 

A woman in envy hasn’t learnt the beauty and perfection in all things; she’s out of sync with the intelligence and wisdom of creation and need only have the sense to perceive it. 

Both inadequacy and envy have similar solutions. To get out, I go all the way in. 

💜 I notice, without trying to fix. 

💜 I remember how exhausting it is to seek greener grass and that peace is available to me here and now (not on the other side of the mission my brains trying to come up with to make me prove myself)  

💜 I make peace with my own life. 

💜 I focus on what’s going well. I make a list of all I already have and am. I read my own work, scroll through old photos, trawl the notes app on my phone and let myself feel all the pride, awe and wonder that comes with that. (Often discomfort is the only thing between me and realizing I already have so much of what I want) 

💜 I write letters to myself and say affirmations. I am enough, just as I am. It’s safe for me to be seen in progress. Practice is devotion, perfection is fear in costume. 

💜 I take notice of my gifts and talents. I write them down. What am I good at? What am I celebrated for? When I value the infinite brilliance and endless possibility of my inner world, balance is restored and I can see the outer world more objectively.

💜 I tune in with my body and let her reveal a new, more balanced path. 

💜 I focus on what I can do. Envy and inadequacy often have me focused so far outside my own capacity, it’s easy to lose confidence, so I bring myself back. What’s within my reach? What do I feel capable of, and ready for? How could I help? I fuck the big leap, take the tiny step and realise how much more effective I can be when I’m in gratitude. 

The relief and satisfaction of knowing I don’t have to exhaust myself to be valuable, is other-wordly. I can settle into life and work that nourishes me and others.

“Deep in our bones lies an intuition that we arrive carrying a bundle of gifts to offer to the community. Over time, these gifts are meant to be seen, developed and called into the village at times of need. To feel valued for the gifts with which we are born affirms our worth and dignity. In a sense, it is a form of spiritual employment – simply being who we are confirms our place in the village. That is one of the fundamental understandings about gifts: we can only offer them by being ourselves fully. Gifts are a consequence of authenticity; when we are being true to our natures, the gifts can emerge.” Francis Weller

When I’m connected to my own innate value, I move from the core of myself. I don’t have to accrue energetic debt. I’m not ignoring the needs within and around me, I’m accessing my capacity to meet them effectively. I tend to things consistently, and they bloom. 

What if the only thing that needs to change is the belief that anything needs to change?

If I could say anything to the “me” caught in the trap of envy and inadequacy, I’d say… 

Jae, enjoy your life. There are so many good things in it. Not everything has to be perfect. 

Focus on what’s going well. Use your gifts. Put yourself in places and around people where you feel valuable. Everything will be okay. More than okay, it’ll be amazing. You’ll have more praise and encouragement than you know what to do with. Speaking to a room of fifteen people will feel just as rewarding as you think it will be having an audience of 15,000. 

Do you genuinely want to get better, or are you compelled by a (false) belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you? (If you’re exhausted, it’s usually a sign you’re being driven, at least in part, by the latter). 

Trust the process. Trust your rhythm and timing. Going outside your capacity consistently isn't growth, it’s strain. Growth can be peaceful. You’re allowed to have a relaxed experience of your own becoming.

You are already serving people. The humans you serve in your orbit right now are just as valuable as all the strangers you imagine you need to reach. Accept their presence. Guide them (i.e love and sit with them while they find their way). 

I love you.

Love, 

Jae