Who Are You, Really? Out of Your Head, and into Your Heart
The idea there could be something truer about me
than the jumble of doubts, fears and insecurities
is enough to have me convulsing
it means every decision I’ve ever made
the life I’ve been leading
is built on…
what, exactly?
When I was little, I sensed I was here to make a massive impact, but the world told me success was a product of struggle. To keep up, I sacrificed my wellbeing and gave everything I had in an attempt to both fit in and stand out.
I tied myself in knots of self-surveillance, trying to be perfect and keep up with all the “rules”. I disconnected from my body and heart and their natural rhythms and wise, kind guidance and consulted only my mind.
Eventually, the anxious chatter in my head became so loud it was an identity. I was so used to listening to my mind, I thought it was all I was.
Releasing Holy F*ck, it became clear I’d need to access a deeper knowing and certainty if I wanted to make it across the finish line.
I chose to reconnect with who I really am. I let the joy of my heart grow through the jumble of thoughts in my mind. I notice when devotion is turning into obsession, and consistent practice is becoming panicked striving, and I come back to my inherent worth.
“The part of you that doubts is not your enemy. It’s a younger part of you that learned to anticipate judgement. She doesn’t need to be fought. She needs to be held and re-trained.” Medium Marya
The language of my body is deep
I have to approach her slowly
spend time with her
before she’ll talk to me
it usually takes an hour
of massaging her intently
and listening to slow music
while I’m breathing
before I can hear anything
breaking free
is a process of allowing myself to ask:
isn’t there more to this? to me?
and learning to act on the basis of my inner knowing
rather than social programming
“Your Soul wants you to understand: the doubt isn’t proof you’re wrong. It’s proof you’re stretching beyond an old identity.” Medium Marya
How?
I sit with hopelessness and apathy and journal until I break through to the deeper pain. I feel it and let it move.
I channel anxious energy into people and projects that are deeply meaningful (like this).
I read through old letters, birthday cards and testimonials from clients I’ve worked with. I let their words land in my being, like rain soaking the earth.
I prioritize my health, especially the gut (leaky gut can mess with neurotransmitters which make it chaotic in the mind).
It can feel a bit tedious sometimes, but I know I’m making progress. The other day I felt my old self scream in fear. I held space for her and listened as it turned into laughter. She knows I have her.
You are not the voices in your head. You are the Soul, listening to those voices. Don’t waste time trying to neutralize the fear or reassure yourself by obsessively performing mental compulsions. Use that anxious energy to do things that remind you of your worth.
You have always been more than enough.
