The Wisdom of Darkness

“Light can only be understood with the wisdom of darkness.”

If you had of told me that line a week ago I would have told you to take your woo woo bullshit and shove it up your a**. I know, pretty spiritual right? That’s how far into darkness I was lost. Fumbling, tired, hopeless, and deeply depressed.

I was first diagnosed with depression at 16. I remember sitting in my GP’s office, ticking boxes about how often I felt hopeless or tired for no good reason. I got a referral to a psychologist whom I saw once a month over the next two years. As I began meditating regularly, doing yoga and pursuing my passion through speaking, writing and coaching, my symptoms all but completely disappeared. I still had bad days and experienced sadness and anxiety in stressful situations, but the foreboding melancholy and insidious panic that followed me around for the majority of my adolescence simply weren’t a part of my life anymore.

Which is why it was so easy to recognise when they came back.

I had just moved into my dream apartment in the Northern beaches of Sydney, launched my first eCourse (The Single Girls Guide to Sex, Self love and Spirituality), I was back in Brisbane visiting my sister whom I adore and attending a church conference I had been looking forward to for months. From the outside, I should have been on top of the world and yet I struggled getting out of bed in the morning. I started seeing negatives instead of positives, I woke up feeling drained, even after eight hours sleep and I went from being on the verge of tears to searing hot flashes of anger in a heartbeat.

Depression can manifest in different ways for different people, but there are certain similarities that characterise a depressive episode…

An insidious sadness sets up camp in your consciousness, you can’t put your finger on what’s causing it but you become acutely aware of all the pain and suffering in the world and suddenly you can’t help but take it on as your own. You wake up exhausted and a wave of panic washes over you when you realise that you have so much to get done and absolutely zero motivation to do it. Everything is a struggle. Getting out of the car or going to the bathroom feel like monumental tasks and you don’t know how you’ll survive if every day is as hard as this one. Things that once meant the world to you - for me it was my business, blog and closest friends - cease to hold the same meaning or promise of joy.

You can’t trust the voices in your head. (For someone who values critical thinking so highly and is constantly guided by her inner compass, acknowledging that my mind is my worst enemy feels conflicting, frustrating and impossibly overwhelming)…

The thing with depression is you can’t just ‘feel it’ and move on, because - unlike normal emotions - it doesn’t let up when you draw attention to it, it continues to expand until it blacks everything else out. The temptation to seek momentary reprieve in superficial pleasures like food and orgasms is almost unbearable (and when I’m in that place, staring at an empty wrapper after binging on an entire block of chocolate, I know what it means to be an addict.) You want to reach out but you don’t want to be a burden and it’s hard to find the words to articulate what’s going on inside your head. ‘I think my depression has come back’ isn’t exactly the easiest conversation starter.

I was lucky enough to have my mum staying with us at the time all this was going on. After living with my Dad’s mental illness for over thirty years, she knows the signs all too well. We went for a walk together one morning when she asked, “Are you okay?”. That was all the permission I needed to tell her everything. (I cannot overstate the importance of instigating those uncomfortable conversations. Some people have a war going on inside their head and they are praying for the opportunity to let someone in).*

Even though mental illness is a ‘state of mind’ let the record show that when you’re in it, it’s very real. If there's one thing this week gave me it was a harsh reminder of the reality I used to face on a daily basis and just how hard it is - when you're in the thick of it - to pull yourself out. It fucking sucks. You can’t see the lesson or the meaning, and if anyone tells you this is all for some greater purpose, you just want to punch them in the face. It's not as simple as 'changing your thoughts’ or ‘doing something that makes you happy’, it’s a war made up of daily battles some of which you lose and hopefully, more of which you win. Even after all my reading, training and real life experience, I was ready to throw in the towel on this whole ‘journey to enlightenment’ business and expose it as a crock of shit. And then a series of events emerged that cracked me open and shed some light on my darkness.

The full moon was rising in Scorpio, Mars was in Retrograde, my Dad was in town for the week end and I stumbled upon this little gem on Instagram…

Mars represents masculine energy, anger, fire, violence, boldness, & courage. The full moon represents detox, cleansing, purifying and renewal of emotions. Mercury represents our throat, communication & expression, authenticity & standing in alignment with our heart. The old patriarchal lower vibrational masculine energy of control, manipulation, fear, abuse & greed is all surfacing intensely right now because the divine masculine presence can not fully integrate if there are false belief programs & such traumatic cellular memory blocking it's space & overwriting it. So especially for my females & divine feminine pillars of light, please know this is a collective pattern releasing for many. Know that these wounds are surfacing to bring us in to greater union within. This is an OPPORTUNITY for greater wholeness.

@youareluminous

That night, I lay out under the stars and literally felt as though I was being strip searched by the cleansing energy of the Universe. Everything that had been building up over the last few weeks was coming up to be healed and as I lay there in full surrender, I felt myself becoming lighter with every breath. When it was over I spoke to the night sky.

Is all this really necessary?

Yes.

There it was. The voice of God I hadn’t heard for what felt like a lifetime.

But why?

Because without it, you wouldn’t get to experience the relief you feel right now. You wouldn’t realise just how powerful you are unless you had the opportunity to use that power.

I guess so. It’s just so painful, that’s all.

I know.

I missed you.

I never left.

He’s right, of course. We enter this world for the very purpose of experiencing the duality that doesn’t exist in our True home in heaven. Homecomings require deviations. We can’t truly appreciate our own magnificence until we have seen the depths to which we are capable of sinking. We can’t know our power without an arena in which to wield it.

I had it in my head that I had dealt with all my “stuff” over the last few years and it was going to be smooth sailing from here on out (naive, I know). What these last few months have taught me is that our ‘work’ is never really done, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean we are broken or that we require a lifetime of fixing, it means we have this incredible opportunity to discover our full potential by coming up against situations and scenarios that challenge and change us. We decide who we want to be by rejecting that which we are not. We continue to strip back layer after layer of emotional armor, each time getting closer to the truth of who we really are; beauty, goodness, light.

I have to admit that I sometimes get so damn frustrated with this whole motivational-inspirational-stay happy-good vibes only-smile always community. Because you know what, 'good vibes only' is not a healthy attitude towards life. Staying happy all the time isn't realistic if you are right now residing in a human body on this spinning display of cosmic art called earth. Because sometimes life feels like shit. Sometimes people behave like shit. And yes, it is definitely a part of it all. It's a part of helping make the unconscious conscious, of bringing light into the darkness.

We have to understand that life is whole - it's ugly and beautiful - chaotic and perfectly in order - dark and light all at the same time. Everything in life is you and you are everything in life. It sometimes means that it isn't pretty but it always means that it's real and more importantly - whole. There is NOTHING that you are not. You are complete. The journey is not to add something to you, the journey is for you to uncover yourself, piece by piece, layer by layer, and standing in the world, completely naked, as you are - brutally authentic and pure. And I know that I can only get there by accepting and eventually loving all of who I am. So honestly, fuck the good vibes - bring me truth. Bring me rawness. Bring out the dark shit so that I can face it, get to know it and bring it into the light.

@nathaliesage

Now, focus on what you want to call in. What do you want?

I don’t know.

Yes you do.

Okay…

Two hours before I couldn’t summon the strength to tell you what I wanted for dinner, now I began to list all the wild, wonderful and outrageous physical realities I was ready to manifest with hope and a soulful conviction. As I walked back inside my depression had lifted completely and the next morning my motivation returned with a vengeance. I picked up a post I had open on my laptop about the link between mental illness and spirituality. Light bulb. I also stumbled upon an article about the archetype of the Shaman, the Healer and the Sage and their role in the wider community and as I read, I felt as though I was awakening an ancient part of myself and unlocking knowledge that has been embedded in my soul for lifetimes, a discovery made possible only by my descent into darkness (more on that later).

I have no doubt in my mind that one day I will live a life free from depression. I’ll wake up and realise it’s been ten years since my last “bad day” but until then, I will honour it as my biggest teacher. I will not allow this illness to keep me small. I will not allow this part of my make up to stop me from doing what I was meant to do in the world. Right now, we have a decision to make. We can let this illness defeat us or you we do everything in our power to learn what it’s here to teach us

First and foremost, that looks like seeking professional help. I know from my own work as a coach that sometimes we need an impartial third party to bring clarity to our thoughts and situation in a way that’s more objective than journalling or talking to a friend. During my teen years, I refused to ask for help because I was afraid of being a burden. I didn’t want to bring other people down by sharing how I really felt, so I feigned happiness in front of my friends and masked my sadness with anger when I was with my family.

Now I know that I do not have to do this alone. Human beings are hardwired for connection, we are here to assist one another in healing our darkness and stepping into light. For every pain that surfaces, there are people whose Divine mission it is to hold space for our healing of it. I have such deep gratitude and respect for my clients because they have the strength to reach out and, in doing so, they give me an opportunity to do what I love and fulfil my purpose on this earth.

Now I get to extend that privilege to someone else. I’ve found a psychologist close to home who shares my faith and respects my experience and we have already had our first session together. (For anyone who doesn’t know, you can go to your GP and get a Mental Health Plan which covers 6 sessions with a counsellor through Medicare).

It also means radically overhauling my diet. Over easter I ate a lot of chocolate and high sugar food and I was finding it hard to get back into exercise after having 6 weeks off post-surgery. One thing I have learnt from experience (and a TONNE of research) is the undeniable link between physical and mental health.

“Food is the most abused anxiety drug and exercise the most under-utilised antidepressant.”

Bill Phillips

I now know I have to be super vigilant about what I put into my body and some form of physical activity every day is non-negotiable if I want to maintain my mental health.

I am also drawing closer to God, relying on Him when my own strength fails me as it does time and time again. Depression is more than a neurochemical imbalance, it’s an attack of the Ego - a spiritual force that opposes God in order to keep us small and prevent us from making the impact we were born to make in the world. It’s a teacher and a guide, testing our faith and preparing us for what God has in store for us, and when we view it from this perspective, we can follow the calling all the way back to our Creator.

If you are battling with depression, I hope this post encourages you to keep fighting. I hope it helps to know I am right there with you, every minute of every day, and I know we can do this. This illness has caused enough heartbreak, death and sadness and it’s time to take our power back. It ends here.

“People who are unable to stand within the dark places of life, those who are always running towards their happy places, are the same things as candles without flames. There is no worth in a candle without a flame, and we only add the flame when there is darkness. Without darkness, there would be no need for warriors and angels. Warriors are not made because the whole world is happy and angels were not formed because there are no demons.”

C JoyBell C

For my warriors.

All my love,

Jae x

(*One of the most common questions I am asked as a coach and mentor is how to support a loved one living with mental illness. How do you empathise with someone when you have no idea what they’re going through? These last few weeks have reminded me of the incredible power of kindness; a smile on the street, a compliment from a colleague, a particularly friendly barista or bus driver. During my darkest days, they gave me hope that even though all I saw was death, life existed beyond the shadows of my mind. Have patience with your loved one and be kind to everyone you encounter, even if only for a moment, we all have the opportunity to be somebodies earth angel.)