March

Part One - Resurrecting the healthy animus

The inner critic - the defunct, injured, predatory animus - has made a reappearance in my psyche the last few days. I think it’s because I watched too much Gossip Girl. All of a sudden there’s this dick in my head, telling me nothing I do will ever be enough and nobody loves me. It’s annoying, not because I believe it, but because, like a poisoned river, it drains the life out of my Soul. Everything feels like so much more of a fucking effort. Not in the “I’m so excited to challenge myself” way but in the “Are you kidding?! I don’t have this kind of energy.” Along with getting things done, It’s extra hard to cheerlead myself back into the driver’s seat.

“too much domestication is forbidding the vital essence to dance”

Women who run with wolves

I went to the cafe I worked at for almost a year the other morning. I saw myself in retrospect walking around and around and around the tiny little space, like a mouse in a cage, paying dues I never owed. I remembered with a fierce, loving, protective growl all the ways my mind started acting out while I was working there. No wonder. Confined to that tiny little space and the meaningless conflicts playing out all around me. No creativity, no input, nothing that actually mattered. It’s how I feel in this town, often. Confined to walk the same loops every day. Home, grocery store, cafe, beach, then home again. It’s kind of hilarious - in the crazed, tortured, hysterical sense of the word. I have a feeling I’ll look back on this time in the same way… shuddering, thanking the Lord I had the good sense to leave.

Of course, I still made the most of it, living here. People are wonderful. I can see the value of knowing I have a bed I’ll sleep in every night and because my human survival needs are met, I can go deeper with my self and creativity. Still, keeping myself alive in this town requires more effort than I’m willing to put in for much longer.

Why don’t you just leave?

I will. I am.

It’s time to create an environment that reflects to me my thriving, my own LIFE.

Part Two - Transmutation. The state of being changed into another form.

I’m growing a lot at the moment. Changing, so much, so quickly. I can feel it… what’s “not me” (the shadow I inherited in this lifetime) being squished and wrung out of my energetic field. I shake and heave, letting it leave, embracing the change. Remembering there’s nothing I actually need to hold on to, because I’ll love any version of me in any Universe the same way I love this part of me, now. In the moments between, I invite the Universe in. Or really, I let everything else fall away to remind myself I am the Universe. It’s like that pause at the end of a breath. I smile. Everything is EXACTLY how it should be.

there's joy
in every in-between
moment
and finally
*sigh*
I’ll allow myself to
know it

I had a moment tonight where I felt like a mum. I’m racing through all these developmental stages and watching myself at the same time. I don’t want to miss anything! I’ll walk past the mirror, or catch a glimpse of a strand of hair (my curls have come back) as it kisses my neck, and I’m wild-eyed with desire, lunging at my reflecting, desperately wanting to feel it all. I used to wish so hard for a man to appreciate me like this. That was before I realised I had the power to do it all along. I never want to get bored or take myself for granted, and whenever I do, I want to remember the miracle I am really quickly. I want to soak up every second I have with myself.

I had this revelation the other day I actually want to live as long as I can. I want to get to the final act of my life and experience my Self there, see who I’ll be, what I’m capable of, and what I’m doing. (Apparently, that’s where it gets realllyyyy good) Growing up, I got the feeling it wasn’t really your choice when you died. You just did. Makes sense, coming from a long line of people in a lot of pain, covering it with addictions. Cancer… heart attacks… liver and kidney failure. I’ll admit, I still believe if our Soul doesn’t want to go, no amount of “bad” choices on our part can affect that, the same with the time it does. After so many years of fighting, clawing and dying (ego deaths) to re-awaken my will to live, this is a whole new take.

Part Three - Moth

In a dream the other night, my psyche reminded me to prioritize my real work. The next day a moth came to land on my dress. I put it outside and the next morning it found its way back to my bathroom. Another landed right at my feet before I went to sleep. Moths are all about the nocturnal, paying attention to dreams, intuitive messages and insights, and also… staying focused. The “out of balance” moth energy is jittery. In the past, I’ve been tempted, falling prey to shiny object syndrome. I’m interested in so many things, have all this curiosity and like to follow all the threads to see where they lead, leaving no stone unturned and nothing unexplored. And, I’m also most fulfilled when I go deep with things that are really important and allow myself to FINISH. Hence, this blog post. It’s time to ignore the perfectionist compulsion to go back and languish in the details, re-writing, fixing and changing all the little mistakes. I’m here to finish something. The timer I set at the beginning of this session is about to go off. Two minutes, twenty-six seconds… twenty… eighteen…

Alright, I’ll see you in my next blog post.

Stay focused, wild child.

Lots of love,

Jae

xo